I want to thank everyone for all your support during this horrible time. There are so many things that run through my mind here lately. I know that for me to completely come to terms with it, I will have to work it out.....Starting with what has happened during the days of losing the baby and what I do to move on in the aftermath of the loss.
One thing I MUST say, is this is by far the hardest, most painful of all the miscarriages I have had thus far. Now I might get too graphical for some, so be warned, Im talking about the yuck stuff too. And for those that have been there...you understand, its not all "easily passed".
Anyway, from when we found out of the loss ourselves in the hospital up to now, a week later, it has been hell. Emotionally and physically it has been horrible.
I dont know what is worse...the relief of finally knowing what was happening or when it hit me on what was happening.
I mean, I hoped, prayed, believed that we could actually carry and have another child. I was happy that it was another blessing for us, so excited that I finally was going to have the chance to possibly have a son to complete our family. Then the pain and the things happening just didnt make sense. I was scared, J (hubby) was scared too. K (Daughter) didnt know of the "scary" things going on, only that mommy was really sick.
We did all that we knew to do. I didnt lift anything, K would drag the laundry baskets around to where I needed them, J & K did the cleaning of the house that required bending or climbing and J did all the heavy lifting. J did dishes, cleaned house, cooked, bathed, dressed and got K ready for school and put her on and got her off the bus each day as well as worked his job.....I did minor things and had to keep my feet up and be on my back most of the time. B (a friend) would come over and put laundry away, clean and mop for me. And talk to me as I vented. I tried to stay as stress free as possible. Friends and family knew what was going on and knew what a challenge this was going to be.........All supported and some privately pissed because they knew what could happen and hurt because they couldnt do anything about it....I love you all for that!
But either way what has happened, has happened and we cant go back....only forward.
What has really plagued me here lately is the things Im going through in the "aftermath". I can honestly say this is the worst of them all. I NEVER hurt this bad!
I know we have to go through the "passing" of it....this requires a bit of pain and of course the blood. J still cant understand how a woman can go through her monthly losing that much blood and not dying lol (he understands but not at the same time, some of you will understand this). And then seeing this and the amount I am losing and what it entails just really bothers him. K is use to barging in on me while I am in the bathroom, because something MOST important has happened and she can't possibly wait.....the arm came off her barbie or her crown wont stay on her head or the tool belt wont buckle right around her waist.....very important things, which was and is a challenge, but one that must be met.
You cant time when things will happen, you have to work around them the best you can. For me I have been lucky, most of the "bad" stuff happens while they are at work and school. And when they are home J is great about catching K before she barges in.
J has been most wonderful...he didn't/doesnt bombard me with all the bad news or work venting, so to speak...said he didnt want me having any added stress, that it wasnt necessary. Constantly telling me to just take it easy, dont push myself, getting back on my feet will take time.....all the while I am aware of how the finances are and the strain it is putting on him as well as all the extra work he is taking on.....all the while I AM stressing, no matter how hard I try not to. I am a mom and a wife and I am use to the hard work, I am use to smoothing things over as they get out of hand, use to dealing with the temper tantrums etc...yet not allowed or able to and that is stressful in its self. BUT I am and was sooo very thankful for the extra naps, the extra help, knowing things were being taken care of.......
I am now experiencing a new pain....not new to the world, just new to me. I have went through the "passing" now dealing with the abnormally "Heavy" period and the most horrible, excruciating pain of intestinal gas. Yes thats what I said...GAS.
There is a reason, they want you to have a bowel movement before you go home after a abdominal surgery of any sort....the blockage of being able to pass gas is more painful than the surgery itself. And in some instances can cause damage depending on the type of surgery you have. Even though I didn't have a surgery per say, I am going through something that has already weakened my abdominal area, that has made it so much more sensitive than ever. The "gas relief" meds out there are mostly for stomach gas, its hard to relieve it when it is intestinal. its like blowing up a balloon and pushing it so far to the point of bursting. For me it is worse than any dental pain....and I know some of you know what that pain is like, if you have ever had an abscessed tooth with an exposed nerve. This pain rendered me helpless....I couldnt walk, breathe, stand upright....All I could do was scream and cry and be within seconds of passing out....finally find a comfortable position and rest praying it would ease and knowing it would only come back.....And it did. So, if you know of any natural ways or products that work to ease intestinal gas and get a girl back on her feet, I would so appreciate your suggestions!!!!! My family would love you for it too!
Aside from the bodily functions being an issue, there are other things I must do now.
I have to get myself healthy again, not just for me but for my family as well. I need to be back on my feet and contribute to the families well-being.
To do this I have decided that the infection or infection risk must be higher than the ER doctor stated....he put me on 1600mg of antibiotic a day! So I am taking the meds that he gave me and I am not drinking anything but water...so that I may flush my system. My normal choice of beverage's are Tea and Coffee. I am watching what I eat and working on moving about a bit more each time....house hold chores can only be put off for so long before it is way unmanageable.
Once I am off the meds I am going to start taking my Diet Magic again. Prior to being pregnant I took this all natural product and wow did it work....I was 315 and dropped down to 280....during the pregnancy I only gained 9lbs. So I get to sort of pick up where I left off. I have to get the weight off and get my body healthy again. I am going to actively look for an arobic type class such as Zumba...many have had success with it....so why not. My friend B has even offered to go with me and to do walks in our neighborhood.
I am most importantly going to get back on my feet with my business's. I must get it going again to help financially. This down time has taken a huge huge toll on our finances and I can't expect J to do it all alone, its hard enough what he has been doing to keep things going on just his income.
I am going to spend more time with my daughter...enjoying the BIGGEST blessing we have ever been given. So thankful we are to have her, I dont want to EVER take that for granted.
I know that losing our baby had nothing to do with me or J, that it was an act of nature, that it has and will happen. All we can do is prepare and hope for the best.
No matter how bad you want something, dont over look what you already have. Its more precious than you know.
Many people have asked how they can help us. Your thoughts and your prayers, knowing that we are loved is a gift beyond measure. If you feel inclined to help us further there are ways, we are like most people, we are proud (yes asking for help is hard for us)....
For those that asked me before...my paypal email is: firstname.lastname@example.org Please do NOT send what you can't afford ( I understand and still love you)!
Helping me get back on my feet with my business will help immensely as well. Christmas is just around the corner and many are still trying to get the good deals. I am giving 15% discount on all orders for SoyLicious.com through the end of October, just email me at email@example.com you can check out my website at www.satisfyyoursenses.com
For my Diet Magic business I am offering all 6 Day Trial Packets for $9.95 ($3 off) email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
To get these specials you have to contact me through email or call.
Now you know what we have been going through and where I plan to go from here. I hope you will help me with accountability and support.
Thank you all, thats all I can say, for your support, prayers, thoughts and love are worth so much more.